Day 1: Welcome to Mom Brain

On savoring matrescence and memorializing the little things

TW: This post discusses pregnancy loss. If this is not the post for you today, please take care 🩵

If you’ve ever traversed the often windy road of fertility, conception, and pregnancy, you know the “little” milestones matter. The first positive after several cycles of trying. Watching that line grow darker with each day you test. The first ultrasound. Making it further along than all of your previous losses. Hearing a heartbeat. Telling your people. Waking up in the middle of the night and just knowing that was your baby’s first kick. Reaching the week of “viability.”

A year ago today I published 30 Things I Learned Before 30 on

Mind Brew

. I was (and still am) healing from my first pregnancy ending in miscarriage at almost 8 weeks. I was simultaneously full of hope and heartbreak. I didn’t know I was starting the first year of a new decade with immense learning and transformation. I didn’t know that two more losses in quick succession would be coming around the corner.

I also didn’t know that today, exactly one year later, would mark the 100 day countdown until my due date with our son.¹

This pregnancy has looked a lot different than what I imagined it would be. My first trimester brought near-constant waves of prenatal anxiety and depression, along with the textbook exhaustion and nausea. Every day felt like a marathon to get through. I’d wake up each morning thankful that I hadn’t started bleeding, yet so convinced it was only a matter of time.

I didn’t want to jinx it.² I didn’t dare open up the pregnancy apps on my phone that had been sitting in their own folder, collecting virtual dust, since my first pregnancy in February 2023. No weekly bump photos. Not much journaling and memorializing. Even telling my stepdaughter after a second confirmation of heartbeat felt so risky. I learned that I energetically needed to pace myself when it came to sharing with our family and friends.

This tiny little guy was growing in me and I felt the only way to keep him safe was to keep it a secret. Speaking something so delicate out into the world, felt like I was making it more vulnerable to attack.

Previous loss robs us of the joy of future, viable pregnancies. Since the beginning of 2024, the turn of my second trimester, I’ve been on a mission to take that joy back.

I want to savor this time of matrescence and memorialize the little things. To not look back on this time and wish I had been more present.

Welcome to Mom Brain, a project I didn’t know that I was starting today, but here we are! Starting with 100 days, 100 reflections — and I hope so much more after that. Thank you for reading.

1. I know it’s more of a “guess date” and this babe could come well before or well after :) But still — I’m just in awe of making it this far.

2. And yes — publishing this is definitely bringing back more of those don’t-jinx-it feelings!