Absent the rhythm of a monthly menstrual cycle these past few months, I feel my body has tuned in more strongly to the lunar cycle, especially the full moon phase.
The full moons are the days where I can sit at my desk in deep focus and energy. They are the nights where I easily lose track of time, shifting from one home chore or project to the next, our bed still made and empty past midnight. Full moons heighten my capacity to take on multiple projects and let myself run with new ideas. They are sweet, sweet times where I feel so on point in my work and thinking.
Today’s full moon in Scorpio invites intimacy and depth. And as my due date approaches (less than 11 weeks! eek!), these moments of tuning into the natural cycles of the earth and indulging in the freedom of being baby-free are increasingly layered with a sense of guilt.
(Yes, our son isn’t even born yet and the parent guilt is already creeping in.)
I know these days are numbered: where I’ll be able to sleep and wake according to my own body’s rhythm, and where I’ll be able to jump on a project or a phone call at a moment’s notice and give my undivided attention to outer world ambitions.
Soon our days will be shaped by our baby’s new and ever-changing circadian rhythm that will keep us on our toes for months and years to come. We’ll wake when the baby wakes. We’ll dutifully report to the kitchen for every set meal and snack time, and start nap and bedtime rituals religiously at their designated hours each day, for fear of offsetting his sense of routine (and the disruption and chaos those slips can cause).
These days, as I indulge in late-night puttering and improvised “girl dinners” and spontaneous shifts in my own day to day routine, the waves of guilt keep prompting me to snap out of it.
You’re having a baby soon, start acting like it! You can’t take full weekends anymore to sit at your desk and work. Take the Airpods out; soon you’re going to have to be fully present with the baby. Stop sleeping past 6am—those days are over.
This is the momster telling me all these things. She likes to come out during full moons, too, reminding me that my days of syncing with the lunar cycle are waning. That following the moon will mean nothing when I’m so off-cycle in my own postpartum world.
And just as I start to listen to her, another part of me quietly whispers: what if you don’t have to give up the moon?