I didn’t grow up aspiring or expecting to be a stepparent. I feel an immediate kinship with other “bonus” family members out there, because the adjustment and journey of it all can be rather isolating and roller coaster-y. We’re navigating very layered family dynamics, feeling simultaneously “in” and “out” in our own households, on top of the pressures and responsibilities that come with a caregiving role. It’s a very steep learning curve, but also the growth opportunity of a lifetime.
Seven years in, and I know that it has been so, so worth it 🩵 I love the trust and connection my stepdaughter and I have built throughout this time together. My partner and I have found a rhythm and dynamic that works for us in our home. We’ve all figured out our respective boundaries and needs in our family system.
I am also thankful for the perspective and experience being a stepparent has afforded me when it comes to thinking about our future family planning. Though this baby I’m carrying is in some senses my first, I like to think I’m heading into this era of life with some wisdom and practice.
A stepparent’s perspective on planning for a baby
Having a baby can wait. Gosh, there’s a reason we waited seven years before having another baby! You don’t realize it until you’re in it, how having a child completely re-orients your life: the center of your universe suddenly shifts and one day you find yourself roaming Trader Joe’s obsessed with figuring out what a toddler in a picky-eating phase is going to eat for dinner. I moved from the single life with a roommate into a household of toys strewn all over the living room, set meal times, bed times, snack times, a calendar of activities, and constant night-time wake-ups for one thing or another. I realized early on that I was in no rush to have another kiddo so soon. I needed to focus on adjusting to the reality in front of me.
Establish your current household rhythm first. Piece by piece, my partner and I figured out our rhythm and roles for smooth(er) sailing: aligning on standards and expectations, tag-teaming towards shared goals, and leaning into our unique zones of geniuses to divide and conquer. This not only includes the logistics of keeping house, but also tuning into the family culture we wanted to nurture within its walls.
Put in the work to strengthen your current relationships. My own mama instilled in me from a very early age that having a baby won’t solve your problems: it won’t fix your relationship, make your partner suddenly change, or fill a void in another (unrelated) area of your life. This was mostly a motherly warning in hopes of warding off teenage pregnancy and lax use of protection. (Good job mom—I made it through!) As a stepparent, this lesson rings particularly true. There was no way my partner and I were going to try for a baby unless we felt our relationship was at full health. The same for my relationship with my stepdaughter.
Explore your (and your partner’s) parenting styles. A huge plus of being a stepparent is that you get to see how your partner parents before you have a baby. I love seeing this side of Adam, and it’s only made me more confident in our decision to build a life together. On the other side of that too, Adam gets to experience my own caregiving style. With hundreds of playground visits and playdates under my belt, I’ve seen so many parenting philosophies in action and first-hand—I feel I am stepping into motherhood with strong intention and alignment on how we want to approach raising our baby.
Take note of where those dolla bills go. This time around, I feel my partner and I are prepared to be smarter with our resources. Kids like to wear the same clothes and won’t use half the wardrobe you buy for them. Same with toys and shoes and Christmas surprises 🤦🏻♀️ I love having this stepparent hindsight.
Know what you need to show up as your best self. Finding my footing as a stepparent was also an exercise in asserting my identity beyond my label in the family system. I learned what I personally needed to fill my cup so I could best show up for my people—yoga, morning writing, time for myself, and respect for my work. I’m still flexing those muscles in advocating for myself and setting those boundaries, and I know this will be paramount in our postpartum era.
Cheers to the stepparent advantage. What’s around the corner of parenthood isn’t so much of a mystery 🩵